He used to dream of writing until the challenges of life drain his pen and no letter would come out no matter how he tried to resume such wish! Another one of those reality taking control over a dream. Now he wanted to continue with that dream. But how does one start after a long pause; after a long silence.
Please send me something to write about for I only know the pain in my heart. And I am sure you wouldn't want to listen to the monotonous sound of how I am hurting inside. I want to write a love story; but how can one write of love when his eyes is blinded by hatred and suffering!
Perhaps I need the chance to fall in love again. But how will one fall in love again when he is tied to something and afraid to let go. Where does one get the strength to be where he wants to be when he is afraid to take the single steps.
Where to does one find the words to begin to write of beautiful things when he can only see darkness in his prison walls which he created all by himself.
Sure he can write about the beauty of the smile of a child; or how a child in need of him can also fulfill his needs for love. Or let him write of how a prayer was answered and the wonder of the rain or how it felt under the sun; perhaps the first time he saw the snow and how it turned white the pavement.
He will not stop until he finds the words that will lead to what he wanted to write.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Ondoy After a Year!
Seems like just yesterday, September 26, 2009 Ondoy visited the Philippines. A lot of Filipinos were affected yet Ondoy shall personally be included in the memories of the mixed emotions I had at that time. It shall forever be a part of me; not because of how strong it was but due to what it symbolizes in my life.
The place where I lived was not affected that much. As I recall people on the street were celebrating the rain. The atmosphere was happy and all the people as I recall seems smiling. As the water moved up people enjoyed even more; playing; having fun; taking pictures among others. Little did we know of how it affected the lives of others due to the damage it had caused in their properties or suffered the loss of their loved ones. A sense of guilt perhaps after realizing that.
Despite not being in danger; it was a time when you need to be with the people you love; to know that they are safe or to get strength from them. It was sad that during that time of natural disaster my partner who was supposedly at my side was someplace else. The idea that he is with another person still feels like a cut of a knife in my heart. The idea that he can not rush to see what is happening to us at that time hurts like something without an equivalent word.
Yet Ondoy also symbolizes the very nearness of my family being complete again. And yes his return like the effect of Ondoy was not a bed of roses. It was like a wound that not even time can heal and the scar that it leave behind still hurts; perhaps just like the memory of those whose loved ones died during that time.
The vivid images of my children laughing and playing at that time can still make me cry. Seeing their innocence and the lack of idea that their father should be taking care of them at that very time.
Perhaps time will erase such vivid memories but for now I will savor the pain and learn the lesson that I should be strong for myself. I should learn and stand on my own....with or without the people I love and the very people I expect to love me!
.
The place where I lived was not affected that much. As I recall people on the street were celebrating the rain. The atmosphere was happy and all the people as I recall seems smiling. As the water moved up people enjoyed even more; playing; having fun; taking pictures among others. Little did we know of how it affected the lives of others due to the damage it had caused in their properties or suffered the loss of their loved ones. A sense of guilt perhaps after realizing that.
Despite not being in danger; it was a time when you need to be with the people you love; to know that they are safe or to get strength from them. It was sad that during that time of natural disaster my partner who was supposedly at my side was someplace else. The idea that he is with another person still feels like a cut of a knife in my heart. The idea that he can not rush to see what is happening to us at that time hurts like something without an equivalent word.
Yet Ondoy also symbolizes the very nearness of my family being complete again. And yes his return like the effect of Ondoy was not a bed of roses. It was like a wound that not even time can heal and the scar that it leave behind still hurts; perhaps just like the memory of those whose loved ones died during that time.
The vivid images of my children laughing and playing at that time can still make me cry. Seeing their innocence and the lack of idea that their father should be taking care of them at that very time.
Perhaps time will erase such vivid memories but for now I will savor the pain and learn the lesson that I should be strong for myself. I should learn and stand on my own....with or without the people I love and the very people I expect to love me!
.
vivid memories: Erasing Vivid Memories
vivid memories: Erasing Vivid Memories: "Wanting to move on and with the desire for a complete family; you would like to erase some vivid memories of the not so good events in your ..."
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Moving On With or Without You!
I have loved you with all my heart and soul. I made you my world and every little thing I do I wanted your approval. I kept silent when you have to criticize almost everything about me; like how I enjoy watching television, my choice of food, the way I held the baby and my personal relationship with others even with my children
I still love you but I have decided to create an emotional wall between us. A wall designed to protect me from how you can hurt me. A wall designed so that I can see the beauty in me as a person and not the bad image that your words created in my mind.
My life revolves around you but now I see the need to create a little space of my own; a place where I can be myself; a place where I can laugh the way I want to and a place where I can do what I really enjoy doing without the fear that it is not to your liking. I have decided that in that place I will highlight my accomplishments in life and not be blinded by how you insist that I see not my accomplishments but rather my shortcomings.
An ideal place I shall create where I can share my life with other people who loves me and who accepts me for who I am as a person. I will radiate in that place without the fear of your disapproving gaze and words. That place shall be mine.
Should you decide that you are violated by the wall I intend to create and the little space I want; where I can be myself.... you are free not to come with me there; but in case you may want to share that place with me; you will be welcome so long as you decide to respect how I want to run it and the people I decided to invite in it!
Erasing Vivid Memories
Wanting to move on and with the desire for a complete family; you would like to erase some vivid memories of the not so good events in your life. It has been a year but memories of him with her mistress hunts you. Thorn between your pride and giving your children a father and perhaps love. Every bit of details of how he had betrayed you still makes you cry. The idea of him making love to her or the two of them walking together, laughing, sharing good times while I wallow myself in self-pity. Tears now and then as you recall how and why he can betray your trust and your marriage. How do you give up someone whom in your mind is not worth it but still is in your heart? How do you make the heart listen?
It seems it is not a good decision to easily accept him back when there is no promise of it will not happen again or not even I am so sorry for what I have done. It would have been easier if there has been changes and if you had seen how he was sorry for what he had done or if he is treating you right this time.
Like stories which had been written on infidelity he puts the blame on you. It is your fault that he had done it; it will be your fault if he will do it again. It seems not right to suffer the same faith all over again. It seems you have not learned a lesson out of such horrible experience.
Now you are back in the same situation. Not seeing eye to eye. Him not being able to accept who you are and what you enjoy doing. Not feeling good about yourself because of how he treats you. Will you let love slowly die in the process just so you can be yourself and stand for what you believe is right. Slowly you no longer crave for his approval; slowly you create your own world. A world where you are accepted, respected and loved. Will you stay with him....continue loving him despite how every little things you do seems not to his liking?
Your brain knows exactly what is good for you; but you are afraid that your heart cannot handle it. Perhaps it is time that you move on and start loving yourself. Start focusing on the good traits that you have and never listen to him if he tries to put you down. Start believing in yourself; in what you have accomplished and what you can accomplish with or without him.
Life is beautiful if you focus on the people who loves you!
It seems it is not a good decision to easily accept him back when there is no promise of it will not happen again or not even I am so sorry for what I have done. It would have been easier if there has been changes and if you had seen how he was sorry for what he had done or if he is treating you right this time.
Like stories which had been written on infidelity he puts the blame on you. It is your fault that he had done it; it will be your fault if he will do it again. It seems not right to suffer the same faith all over again. It seems you have not learned a lesson out of such horrible experience.
Now you are back in the same situation. Not seeing eye to eye. Him not being able to accept who you are and what you enjoy doing. Not feeling good about yourself because of how he treats you. Will you let love slowly die in the process just so you can be yourself and stand for what you believe is right. Slowly you no longer crave for his approval; slowly you create your own world. A world where you are accepted, respected and loved. Will you stay with him....continue loving him despite how every little things you do seems not to his liking?
Your brain knows exactly what is good for you; but you are afraid that your heart cannot handle it. Perhaps it is time that you move on and start loving yourself. Start focusing on the good traits that you have and never listen to him if he tries to put you down. Start believing in yourself; in what you have accomplished and what you can accomplish with or without him.
Life is beautiful if you focus on the people who loves you!
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